New Mexico

When I was a child nobody hugged or kissed anybody unless they were sweethearts or perhaps, occasionally, mother and child. People felt no need to get closer than arms length and nobody breathed on anybody. Then along came bleeding heart liberals and day-time TV shows and voila! Hugging was de rigueur. Suddenly perfect strangers were greeting one another as if they were Romeo and Juliet. I say it’s time to return to those not so thrilling days of yesteryear. It is not like people did not love one another before the 1980’s. After all, the human specie has thrived for thousands of years without faux hugs and kisses and families used to have lots more kids. But no one thought less of you back then if you did not invade their space. Maybe social distancing is a recommendation we can live with. Thank you Tony Fauci!

Peg and I would appreciate it if the rest of the world, except for family and delivery drivers, would stay away for the next few months. Maybe by then we will have a vaccine for COVID-19. One caveat, it is important that computers continue to create funny money pursuant to an on-going Congressional Resolution so that we can receive our Social Security checks. In return, Peg and I will pledge to leave everyone else alone and not attend any public events. No one would be there anyway since the rest of the world will be in their basements watching such enlightening Netflix entertainments as Tiger King.

By the way, I just saw a report on cable news that they may make a movie about Joe Exotic and his big cat petting zoo and crazy conspiracy theories. As announced from prison, Joe wants Brad Pitt to play Joe in the movie. I bet Brad is proud. Actually Peg and I had never heard of the Tiger King until our erstwhile neighbors, Chuck and Bonnie Minnette of New Harmony, Indiana, called to ask us about it. I guess since we recently moved to Oklahoma and there’s hardly anyone out here, the neighbors thought we might know Joe; we do not!

Regardless, back to the column at hand. Other than cable TV, with the COVID-19 panic about the only social activity left to any of us is contemplation of conspiracy theories such as those of Joe Exotic. I know we Americans have always been able to find boogeymen, et al, everywhere from Salem, Massachusetts to Roswell, New Mexico. But our current situation of a total national shutdown has caused a paradigm shift in our public psyche.

If the news reports can be credited, some in the Communist Chinese government posited, and maybe actually believed, that the original outbreak of COVID-19 in Wuhan, China in December 2019 was deliberately started by American soldiers. Then some in America floated the idea the pandemic may have been a deliberate creation of the virus as a weapon by China or Iran.

Those two conspiracy theories are about as credible as the reasons given by railroad engineer Eduardo Moreno who, once again according to news media reports, on April 2, 2020 attempted to ram a ship by driving his train’s engine off the tracks to within a few hundred yards of the U.S. naval ship Mercy. The Mercy is a military hospital ship sent by our government to aid the residents of Los Angeles during the COVID-19 crisis. Moreno told the police he believed the ship was part of a government conspiracy to takeover America. I had no idea a train could even travel that far off its tracks. Anyway, I think Mr. Moreno has been watching too much cable TV news.

Then there are the gun rights advocates who see a business lockdown as a government attempt to take away our right to self-defense. Also, there are those Religious Right devotees who see a nefarious plot behind the urgent government push to find an inoculation for the Corona virus. Apparently their fear is that such ideas as espoused by Bill Gates to implant computer chips in people for health reasons is really a cover to allow universal monitoring and control of our lives.

Well, Gentle Reader, you may know of other conspiracy theories. Heck, you may have one or two of your own. I know I sure do. However, as for Peg and me and social distancing, as long as our Social Security checks and the delivery workers keep coming, we are okay with whatever theory floats your boat. That is as long as you keep six feet away and wear a mask. Don’t worry; we promise to neither hug nor kiss you.

Last week Peg and I drove down I-44 from the eastern edge of Missouri to the eastern edge of Oklahoma. We observed the remains of a few deer, several opossums, one or two raccoons and over one hundred dead armadillos on the roadside. The normal final position of an armadillo was on its scaled back with its clawed paws stuck straight up. Occasionally a beer can would be nestled among the claws. Frequently the carcasses were totally flat. This phenomenon occurred so often it became obvious people went out of their way to squash the critters. Such a violent reaction to the mere existence of the armadillos becomes understandable if one should have to deal with the creatures on a daily basis.

Gentle Reader, you probably grew up as I did encountering an armadillo only when you wandered through northern Mexico or, perhaps, southern Arizona, New Mexico, Texas or California. I recall being amused by the resemblance to something akin to a roly-poly dinosaur. And the sightings were so rare I was excited to come across one of the adorable little oddities of nature.

It was not until the beginning of the 21st century that I began to notice the evermore prevalent incursions of armadillos as they have migrated north, east and west. Peg, who was born in New York and reared in Indiana by way of Massachusetts, used to be amazed at the “little armored ones” as named by Spanish speaking peoples in South America. In fact, as we arrived last week to our cabin in North-East Oklahoma we almost ran over an armadillo waddling along the lane to our door.

“Oh, Jim, look, we have our very own armadillo!” I kept my thoughts to myself but they involved a shotgun.

The day after we arrived Peg was all excited to go to Lowe’s and purchase about $300.00 worth of plants such as herbs, vegetables and flowers. She worked all of one day planting, watering and protecting them from rabbits and deer with special fencing. Actually, Peg instructed me in this regard. Regardless, when we checked on the plants the next day every one had been clawed up by a “cute” armadillo looking for grubs, ants and worms.

Peg’s response was about like one might expect when asking Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi how much she planned to contribute to President Donald Trump’s 2020 re-election campaign. As this article will appear in several family-oriented newspapers I shall not quote Peg’s actual words other than the part where she asked, “Where’s your shotgun?”

Share this:

Share this: