• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content

James M. Redwine

  • Books
  • Columns
  • 1878 Lynchings/Pogrom
  • Events
  • About

telephone

One Ringy-Dingy

April 1, 2022 by Jim 1 Comment

iPhone picture by Peg Redwine

Lily Tomlin’s character, telephone operator Ernestine on the TV show Laugh-In, set the standard for bad telephone service. Laugh-In was on NBC from 1969-1973. In 2022 life has overcome art. At least Ernestine was human. Today, robots and recorded messages insulate businesses from the needs of customers. Good luck on getting through a telephone “menu” to speak with someone who will admit a company’s responsibility for poor service.

Things were bad enough before COVID-19 and our current no-one-ever-goes-in-to-work society. But after more than two years of encouraging everyone to avoid contact with anyone many people apparently see any request for service as a borderline criminal assault.

It has been a while since I looked at a college course catalogue, but I suspect some schools must be offering a major, on-line of course, in how to prevent anyone from accessing a service. Perhaps one can pursue a Ph.D. in telephone menu construction. A favorite ploy is to have a recorded answering service that starts off with, “Please listen carefully because our options have recently changed.”

We all know that’s not only demeaning but is also almost certainly untrue. The only changes any company ever makes to its phone options is to obfuscate them further until we despair of ever getting to speak to a human being. The days of simply punching “0” to hear a non-mechanical voice are long gone. Now the R2-D2 robot used to add layers of dross instead of answers to our questions, directs us to some website once we exhaust the non-access menu options. Of course, should we fall into the Inferno of a company’s website we had better not be susceptible to thoughts of self-harm and should avoid having any sharp objects within reach.

It is a telling fact that Alexander Graham Bell (1847-1922) who patented the first practical telephone would not have a phone in his study because it interrupted his work. Bell set the standard toward which all contemporary companies strive; the elimination of any telephone conversations at all. I suppose I should not mention this possibility.

Is it not strange that in a world where even grade schoolers have iPhones and teenagers text the person right beside them that we cannot get anyone to answer the darn phone! Of course, some of the worst, that is, most obnoxious offenders of the “never answer a customer’s query” policy are the government agencies we pay with our tax money to ignore us. Do such “services” as the IRS and VA come to mind?

On a related topic, can we talk about telephone etiquette in general? I suggest if a politician or a political party wishes to up their poll numbers, they pay attention to basic phone courtesy and re-teach the phone manners our parents demanded. You remember, Gentle Reader. Do not call someone and start with, “Is this James?” Begin by identifying who you are and why you are calling. Call only at a decent hour and never during a football game. If you get an answering machine, leave a clear message and a return number by speaking slowly and distinctly. In other words, treat phone contacts as you would in-person contacts and that includes companies and agencies we need to access for services. And by the way, “Thank you and goodbye”.

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: COVID-19, Gavel Gamut, Internet class, Personal Fun, Phones Tagged With: Alexander Graham Bell, COVID-19, Ernestine, Gentle Reader, Inferno, iPhone, James M. Redwine, Jim Redwine, Laugh-In, Lily Tomlin, menu, One Ringy-Dingy, poor service, R2-D2, telephone, telephone etiquette, telephone operator, website

Can You Hear Me Now?

January 18, 2019 by Jim Leave a Comment

January 03, 2019 Dutch astronaut and physician, Andre Kuipers (1958- ), fumbled his telephone and dialed 911 instead of 011 for an international call. This caused quite an emergency scramble. Hopefully Dr. Kuipers is not a surgeon.

There are numerous problems with this event. First, did you even know there were Dutch astronauts? I did not. Where is their space program? Do they use environmentally sanctioned wind power from gigantic windmills instead of rockets or perhaps methane gas from vast fields of decomposing tulips?

Who was Andre calling? Was he wanting to order a Dutch fast food delivery, french fries with mayonnaise (ugh!) maybe or a fried sausage such as a frikandel? How was it going to be delivered to the International Space Station (ISS)?

Do Dutch astronauts wear klompen/wooden boots and must they leave them outside the space station? Are the Dutch involved in the space race because of their interest in the hypothetical canals to maybe be found on Mars? Ever since Italian astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli (1835-1910) postulated he had discovered canals on Mars and American astronomer Percival Lowell (1855-1916) wrote his book Mars and Its Canals countries have been interested in finding out if there was, and maybe is, some advanced civilization on Mars. Maybe the Dutch are curious.

I was not aware there is a fairly normal means of telephone communication from space to Earth. All ISS calls are routed through Houston before making further AT&T connections. Don’t you wonder where they put the poles and towers? According to the news reports of Kuipers’ accidental call, the connection from ISS to Earth was amazingly good and clear. Well, Gentle Reader, let me tell you our AT&T line in rural Posey County is about as reliable as two tin cans and a string. How come one can phone to and from thousands of miles in space without hearing “Houston, we have a problem” when Peg and I frequently cannot call our neighbors across Durlin Road?

Another question Andre Kuipers erratic phone call raised is, does the space station get robo calls asking about their credit cards or their health status? Are they only free from these infuriating interruptions when they are on the dark side of the moon? Can they put the ISS on a Do Not Call List?

Anyway, these are a few of the deep, perplexing thoughts I have been having while worrying if the astronauts are suffering from cabin fever or are simply lonely for contact with the rest of us 8 billion humans? However, I must now return to Earth as Peg is demanding I run into New Harmony and order a pizza at the Yellow Tavern. She said she tried to call it in but couldn’t get a connection!

Share this:

  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to email this to a friend (Opens in new window)

Filed Under: Gavel Gamut, New Harmony, Personal Fun, Posey County Tagged With: 011 for an international call, 911, Andre Kuipers, AT&T, can you hear me now, canals, Dutch astronaut, Gentle Reader, Giovanni Schiaparelli, Houston we have a problem, International Space Station, James M. Redwine, Jim Redwine, Mars, Percival Lowell, telephone, two tin cans and a string

© 2022 James M. Redwine

 

Loading Comments...
 

    loading Cancel
    Post was not sent - check your email addresses!
    Email check failed, please try again
    Sorry, your blog cannot share posts by email.